Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one.
~Benjamin Franklin~
What are you supposed to do with anger? Some people blast the nearest person regardless of what their anger is about, often leaving the other person confused and wondering what he or she did wrong. Some people swallow their anger, never directly expressing it, so that it eventually takes its toll on their well-being. It seems there must be a middle course between exploding and imploding.
A former Abbot at the Abbey of the Genesee, Father John Eudes Bambauer, suggests five steps to use in approaching our anger. The first is, “Allow angry feelings to come to awareness and have a careful look at them.” This is a deceptively simple suggestion.
Anger is an emotion, as are joy, surprise and fear. Emotions do not arise by themselves. The psychologist Albert Ellis describes becoming emotional as a three step process. First something happens. Second we tell ourselves something about what happened. As a result of what we tell ourselves, we end up with an emotion or feeling.
Consider an example regarding anger. A man is waiting at a restaurant for a date with a woman who does not show up. He starts thinking she is probably not very responsible, lied to him about wanting to have dinner with him and is not very considerate. As he entertains these thoughts, he finds himself becoming angrier.
Father John Eudes, to my mind, is suggesting we work backward to understand our feelings, in this case, anger. We move from passion to understanding. It is hard to make much sense of our anger while we are feeling it. We need to allow our tempers to cool and our brains to engage.
Let’s practice on our example from above. Rather than fanning the flames of his anger with further negative thoughts, our man might put aside his emotions and become aware of his thoughts. He might come to realize he had no evidence on which to base his thoughts about his potential date. All of his thoughts are assumptions.
Just because she did not show up, he has no way of knowing whether she is responsible or not. She may have just decided she did not feel like having dinner with him and did not bother to let him know. It is also possible that she was involved in a serious car accident on the way to dinner and might be in an emergency room. His anger is based on his imagination rather than on reality. It is possible he is right but equally possible he is wrong.
Taking a careful look at the thinking behind the anger in this case indicates that it is not based on anything he knows for sure and is premature at best. Even if he is right about his assumptions, it is not the end of the world. It may also be that our man got the time or the restaurant mixed up.
In the cold light of reason, we may find our anger overdone, inappropriate or based on false assumptions. It is also possible that our anger is justified, but that is another chapter in the story.
Another consideration suggested by the Father John Eudes, in dealing with our anger is: “Part of the problem may be generalization.” Frequently our arguments and the underlying anger do not stay focused on the issue at hand. Rather than expressing our anger as it relates to a particular incident, we might become mad at the whole world, indiscriminately venting about every annoyance which comes to mind.
This is another example of being carried away with our emotions and not allowing our thinking to become involved in the process. It is like using a shotgun to try to kill a fly. We expend a great deal of energy without getting much done.
It is harmful to stifle our emotions and keep them inside. This process appears to be one of the chief contributors to stress. Yet unfocused expression of anger might make us feel better for the moment, but is unlikely to result in any lasting changes. Nothing has really been addressed and we are likely to remain stuck in a pattern of becoming upset and blowing off steam.
The alternative is to engage our brain. First, we need to clarify in our own minds what is making us angry. Once we get into a bad mood, this might not be so easy. However, we can think back to what led us to feel angry. Often there are a series of small annoyances we try to ignore, but which contribute to our overall agitation if left untended. Not dealing with the little things as they arise keeps us from building up resentments and finally overreacting to “the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
Once we are sure why we are angry, we can decide whether we have a good reason to be angry. Someone may have upset us by accident, or even in the process of trying to be helpful.
The third step is to consider our alternatives. Sometimes we overreact and need to talk to ourselves. We may be the problem rather than someone else.
If there is indeed something people are doing to upset us, we still have several choices. The least confrontational is to explain to them why we feel when they do certain things. Presented calmly, such an explanation might well result in others’ efforts not to do what we find upsetting.
Sometimes gentle hints are not enough and we may need to make our feelings known more clearly. Some people do not respond to polite statements and may need to have clear limits established. In the case of bullies or toxic people, it helps to have reinforcements available to help make the point.
In the extreme, it might be best to avoid people who are consistently aggravating us, especially if they are doing it on purpose. They are not likely to change and constant confrontation is like beating our heads against the wall.
Action Steps
- What is your style of expressing anger?
- Do you explode with little provocation?
- Do you sit on your anger until it makes you sick?
- Can you find a middle road?
- Try explaining your position and why you are upset.
Selection from my book, Navigatng Life: Commonsense Reflections for the Voyage, available from Amazon