Monthly Archives: December 2018

Reflections on Christmas

What usually comes to mind as Christmas nears? Before you have a chance to think about it, ads bombard you from all directions, encouraging you to buy everything under the sun. You must wade through all the commercial trappings to get to the spiritual aspects of Christmas.

Christmas is about a birthday, that of Jesus. To some people, Jesus is the Son of God, part of the Trinity which constitutes God. To others, he was a good man who brought some new ideas about how to live peacefully with each other. To still others, Jesus is irrelevant to their daily lives.
Regardless of your beliefs, I think you can agree that a baby named Jesus was born about 2000 years ago. The birth of any baby is truly a miracle. The study of embryology shows us the thousands of steps which must take place successfully in order for a fertilized egg to become a living, breathing baby.

If you know someone who has a baby and you visit the baby on two occasions a week apart, you will be amazed at the changes that have taken place between your two visits. Over time, the baby who once stared unresponsively learns to smile, roll over, wave, clap hands, stand and eventually communicate with you.

Holding a newborn baby brings a sense of awe and a reverence for life rather than taking life for granted. It is a reminder of how far you have come since emerging from the womb yourself. A baby’s innocence reminds you that you can look at things around you in a fresh way, no matter how jaded you have become over the years.

Babies hold great promise for the world. Alexander the Great, Churchill, Michelangelo, Mozart, Shakespeare and Mother Teresa all started out as babies. Who could tell, looking at any of them as babies, what their lives would hold? What do you think your parents imagined for you when you were born? If you have children, what did you imagine for them?

You might think you only have one chance in life. You could feel trapped by how your parents raised you, how you have allowed yourself to become mired down by your mistakes or by how others have treated you. Perhaps you dwell on your physical or mental limitations or those imposed by poor health. Somehow, it seems easier to think about what you can’t do than about what you can do. I remember the story of a woman who had no arms but became an excellent office manager and private secretary making the best use of her toes. Sometimes your limitations point you toward capabilities you never imagined you had.

What does all this have to do with Christmas? You have a chance to be reborn with Jesus, not just on Christmas but every day. What if you woke up tomorrow morning with none of the old thinking which keeps you from trying something new? What might you be able to do if you didn’t let your negative thinking hold you back?  Would you like to try it?

Action steps

  • Try to set aside what you see as your limitations.
  • Challenge yourself to try something you imagined you could not do.
  • This time use your imagination to find a new way.
  • Go ahead and experiment.
  • Keep going until you find a solution.

(Excerpt from Commonsense Wisdom for Everyday Life by Joseph Langen)

Brain Mush? Review of Lukianoff and Haidt’s “The Coddling of the American Mind”


Several years ago when I worked as a psychologist I met a woman in her early thirties. She came to see me because she felt overwhelmed by current life challenges. I asked her how she had handled difficult times in the past. She told me that could not think of any such times in her life. Now that she finally faced a challenge she had no idea where to start in dealing with it.

This is the theme of the book. Our children from their first years through college have often been overprotected (coddled) to the point where they have little resilience when faced with challenges which are an inevitable part of life. The authors present three untruths which have gotten us into trouble. These are as follows:

  1. What doesn’t kill you makes you weaker.
  2. Always trust your feelings.
  3. Life is a battle between good and evil.

Together these myths lead us to being fragile in the face of difficulty, relying on our emotions when we should think rationally and seeing life as a battle between us (good) and them (evil).

By coddling the authors mean over concern about emotional safety. By protecting our children from any emotional unpleasantness, we make them less resilient in the face of difficulty. They are not suggesting that reasonable care in the face of danger is unwise. But they do hold that children and adults learn to be resilient by facing challenges and learning to manage them rather than be overprotected from them. They also suggest that be seeing potential enemies as less than human it is extremely difficult to find mutually agreeable solutions to our differences.

Much of the book addresses the nature of our conflicts with each other, how false ideas keep us apart and trends in society which reduce our ability to become resilient.

To address these negative and unhelpful trends, the authors suggest ways to reverse them. Among these approaches is preparing children for life rather than trying to smooth out every bump in their life’s path. A second approach is learning how to evaluate the usefulness of our own thoughts which can harm us even more than others can when we take them at face value. Napoleon Hill would have asked what evidence you have for what you believe. Another is to refrain from seeing everyone as good or evil by giving people the benefit of the doubt and practicing emotional humility. Finally we need to help our children become resilient by giving them opportunities to learn problem solving and conflict resolution by not protecting them from anything unpleasant.

Finally they see education as not just an exercise in memorizing facts. It should also be a laboratory for students to learn how to manage their difficulties and conflicts and to learn to challenge their own thoughts and emotions. This also includes learning to understand others and to negotiate resolution of our differences.    

I found this to be a comprehensive treatment of the mistakes we make in judging our own thoughts and emotions and how we get stuck in our differences with others. They also suggest clear paths to learning how to deal with others in a compassionate way and how to teach these values to our children. They also present the principles of cognitive behavior therapy which we can use to evaluate our own thoughts and emotions and replace them with more rational beliefs when necessary. If this becomes too difficult to manage alone, they suggest approaching a therapist who can help you think more clearly for the sake of your own life and your relationships.  

Review of Ben Sasse’s Book, Them

Without friends, no one would choose to live, even if he had all other goods.


Our country has lately become locked in a vicious struggle of us versus them. We are right and they are wrong. We have good intentions and theirs are evil. For a while now I have been puzzling over how we got to this point and what to do about it. The title and blurbs about this book suggested that it might be of use in approaching this standoff.

Sasse divides his book into three parts: how we got this way, how it affects our society and what to do about it. I was most interested in the third part but thought the leadup to the problem and an understanding of our current situation might be helpful first. So I delved in with anticipation and hope despite my misgivings about hope for our society.

The author begins with a recollection of the “hometown gym on a Friday night feeling.”  He recalls a time when families in the community came together to spend time together supporting their children’s activities. In my experience this is not just a distant memory. I have attended high basketball, football and volleyball games over the past few years and have felt the feelings he describes.

Early in the book, Sasse suggests that we have lost our sense of being rooted and have descended into loneliness. He describes three ways that Americans live. First is being rooted in family and neighborhood and living with the same people throughout life. He sees this as largely a memory rather than a current reality. Other people are mobile and leave their communities for educational and job purposes and never again stay in one place very long. They leave their roots behind. The third group is those who are stuck in oppressive living situations due to lack of skills, poverty and discrimination.

The author sees the main problem as loneliness and lack of belonging. Many of us have become “hyperconnected” through our electronics. Often we are connected to people whom we will never meet and with whom we have at best superficial connections rather than the real relationships with the people around us. He describes Twitter as a forum for smoke signals rather than essays. We have largely lost our former sense of community.

He notes that sharing a common cause unites people. In the past we relied on natural tribes including family, friends, coworkers and neighbors. As we have abandoned these sources of support, we have attached ourselves to “anti­tribes” focusing on the chasm between us and them and expressing our contempt for the other side rather than what we have in common. In the process we have lost a sense of working together for the common good. Now the challenge is how to “channel conflicts into words rather than swords.”

Sasse sees us as becoming addicted to distraction (television and social media) rather than focusing on how we can help each other live our real lives. Our smart electronics have led to increasing loneliness and “scrolling to escape” as well as looking to see television people living scripted lives rather than focusing on our own lives in our communities. We are so focused on what is happening at the moment that we lose sight of the context provided by awareness of our past and plans for the future. We have lost our sense of humility and self restraint which awareness of our past and future context provides.

When I finally reached the section about what to do about all this, I found tidbits for the future, but also a consistent retreat to more discussion of the problems we face.  As I approached the final few pages I began to feel cheated of the original promise of the book. Sasse does suggest learning to reject “anti­identities” putting politics into its proper place and learning to live local again, reattaching ourselves to natural communities.

I think Sasse does a good job of explaining at least part of the problem facing us. Yet he made two statements that seemed contradictory to me. At one point, he said no one can deal with these issues alone. At another point he lists things each of us can do to make a difference. What I see missing is a plan for how all this will come together for the American community as a whole. But at least this book gives us a good sense of what we have lost and what we need to find again.