Category Archives: relationships

Understanding, Confronting and Resolving Anger: A Series 1. Charting Our Course

Anger seems to surround us these days. Living in our country these days can mean risking your life just by stepping out in public. We hear daily reports of adults and even teens attacking and killing others, sometimes strangers and sometimes those well known to them. They seem to blame others for their lives not being the way they would like them to be. On the surface there is no simple explanation for this pattern and the attacks seem almost random. Anger consumes the lives of these destructive people. They are angry about having their lives disrupted and about the world not being the way they think it should be.

Have you heard or read of any relaxed, happy murderers? I didn’t think so. On the surface, anger as an explanation seems obvious. Yet truly understanding anger and knowing what to do about it are complex issues. In this series of posts, we will look at the nature of anger, sources of anger, types of anger, how you respond to anger, and alternatives to anger. We will also look at narcissistic rage and constructive anger on opposite poles of acceptability. You may wonder how it is that I have anything useful to say on the topic. First I will share a little of my family history. I will also share what I have been doing professionally as it relates to anger.

About family anger

I don’t see myself as an angry person nor does anyone else see me that way as far as I know. Most families have their own tone with regard to anger. My extended family showed two distinctly different tones. I grew up with both as models on which to base life.

My father’s family

My father’s family was quick to anger and liked to argue about everything. A normal conversation could escalate into a shouting match in a matter of seconds. I especially remember holiday gatherings. My grandfather, father, and uncles were embroiled in one argument or another in the living room. The kitchen was quiet for a while. Then emerged the sound of screams from the kitchen which turned out to be an argument about whether the turkey was done.

Despite the arguments, my father’s family was not uncaring. They were all generous with their money and time. They were available in a crisis and ready to jump in whenever an emergency arose. More often than not, my aunts were very nice to me but could easily be incited to angry outbursts toward each other. Most of my uncles were quick to anger toward their children and their nephews and nieces. My father’s oldest brother was a priest and was always the voice of reason in the midst of family arguments. He was also adept at diffusing arguments with his humor. His mother, my grandmother, was dour and in my opinion preoccupied with the trials of her diabetes. I don’t recall her being angry but remember her rigidity in enforcing her Germanic family rules.

My mother’s family

My mother’s family was the direct opposite of my father’s. I lived with my mother and grandparents for the first few years of my life while my father was away in the navy during World War II. I never remember hearing a harsh word being spoken among any of them. Humor and joy were the focus of all their interactions as they recounted stories of relatives from the past.

At a party after my grandfather’s funeral, the topic turned to whether he ever showed any anger. Someone recalled an occasion when two of my uncles as young boys chased each other through the house after my grandfather told them to stop. He got up to chase them and then realized he could never catch them and sat back down with a chuckle.

Life with my parents

I grew up in the midst of angry as well as harmonious ways to live as a family. My father brought with him to my immediate family his tendency toward anger, learned from his family. In contrast, my mother was the calmest and most reasonable and caring person I have ever known. Fortunately, my three brothers, my sister and I all followed the example of my mother and her family. I have always been grateful for this.

My father was not always angry. If he was, I don’t think my mother would have married him. I recall the early days of our family and don’t remember him as being an angry person when I was young. When I was eight, we moved to the suburbs. Around that time, I remember him becoming increasingly impatient and angry. I never did find out why and no one else in my family offered an explanation which made sense to me.

He stayed that way for most of his life. I don’t know what made my father’s family angry or what provoked my father to become an angrier person in mid-life after a relatively peaceful period. I have talked with relatives and friends of our family who did not see him as angry. Maybe he saved it for home. Shortly before he died, he developed Alzheimer’s disease and returned to the gentler person he must have once been. I was happy to have time with his quieter and more peaceful self in his final days and opportunity to cherish these last memories I have of him.

My psychology practice

I graduated from the University of Illinois with a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. During my career, I worked at a college counseling center, a school for delinquent boys, two mental health centers and in private practice. I was trained in Client Centered Therapy, approaching clients with empathy, respect and genuineness aimed at helping them understand their thoughts and feelings and work toward more positive interactions with others. I continued using this approach in general but added marriage counseling, cognitive behavioral approaches and hypnosis, mostly for work with sexually abused clients. I learned that Rational Emotive Therapy (RET), developed by Albert Ellis, Ph.D., was the most straightforward and effective approach to helping people deal with their anger. We will take a closer look at this method in a later post.

My goal for this series

I hope to gain further insight into anger, where it comes from and what it does to people as I walk with you through this book. I also hope to have a better personal insight into anger as we proceed. You are welcome to join me in this journey. Perhaps you will also gain a better understanding of how anger has affected your life and what you can do about it. Maybe you will also gain a better understanding of how you can help build a more peaceful and productive community and nation. Think about what you wish to gain.

Learning How to Stay in a Relationship

Selection from Joseph Langen’s book Navigating Life: Commonsense Reflections for the Voyage

Love does not consist in gazing at each other,

but in looking outward together in the same direction.

~Antoine de Saint-Exupery~

When I first worked with couples, I thought the key to a better relationship was good communication. As I continued my career, I realized that marriage and similar relationships were more complicated than that. I also learned that there is no easy solution to staying together. Half of all marriages last and half don’t, despite a commitment “til death do us part.” I have not encountered any reliable statistics on the comparative success rate of relationships outside of marriage.

Most people say they got together because they love each other. But what does that mean? Love can mean sexual or romantic feelings, finding someone who cares about you or whom you care about. Many potential partners look for someone to take care of them. They might also be in the market for someone to take care of. Yet it is very easy to fall into the trap of depending on someone who might not always be there or trying to control the other person to keep the relationship the way they want it.

What does it take to keep the commitment alive? In his book, Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch suggests that one of the most important tasks is for each spouse or partner to know himself or herself before entering into a commitment. If you don’t know what you want from life, how can you reasonably expect another person to share your life with you? What are you asking the other person to share?

Let’s assume that two people understand what they want from life, share their goals with each other and agree to support each other in attaining them.ng together That’s a good start. But wait a minute. Think back to how your life was ten, twenty or thirty years ago and what was important to you back then. Have you changed? Most of us have and are quite different now than we were in the past. There is no way to absolutely predict what you will be like in the future or what your partner will be like.

Your chances of staying together improve greatly if you both enter your relationship with a sense of adventure. You are setting out on an unknown voyage. Life circumstances, finances and health might alter your voyage considerably. You or your partner might both learn new life destinations. You might learn new ways to approach life taking you in different directions than you agreed on when you began your relationship. It will take a great deal of flexibility from both of you to weather all the challenges and surprises life has in store for you. To be successful, you must be responsible for meeting your own goals and support your partner in reaching his or her goals.

Life Lab Lessons

· Learn to know yourself and what is important to you.

· Share your life goals with your partner.

· Encourage you partner to share his or her life goals with you.

· Find ways to support each other’s goals.

· If you clash, look for ways to compromise. Book available at Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Navigating-Life-Commonsense-Reflections-Mindfulness/dp/1974403890/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1623251876&sr=8-1

Back to Back and Belly to Belly: Where Do We Go Now?

Enemies are people whose story you haven’t heard, or whose face you haven’t seen.
~ Irene Butter~

Take a moment to let your imagination loose. If you were tied back to back with someone and both of you looked straight ahead, what could you both see clearly? Nothing! You can’t see what is behind you. If you are tied together facing belly to belly, is it possible to feel neutral toward each other? Not likely! It would probably depend on how well you knew each other. Lately it seems like we are in both situations at the same time. Either way, the arrangement is most likely uncomfortable on both sides.

Getting back to reality, what can you do to manage your discomfort? You might start by introducing yourselves to each other. Most people start with something safe to see what reaction they get. If they receive a positive response they might try something a little more personal. If something uncomfortable arises, they have the option of a conversation, including listening to each other and explaining themselves.

In today’s politically, socially and morally charged climate, it is easy to wonder if those you encounter are potential friends or enemies. Is that what you want them to wonder about you? Most people don’t. I dare say most people want to be understood, taken seriously and respected. If you are determined to get along with other people, don’t wait for them to make the first move. Take the initiative yourself. If you don’t want to take that chance you can always bristle like a porcupine, warning others not to get too close to you.

Why are we at each others’ throats? On the surface it appears to be a matter of anger with political parties engaged in a struggle for power, racial and ethnic divides and a battle between genders as well as conflict over religious, moral and ethical principles. We have always had differences among groups on these as well as other issues. There have been times when we have been able to talk about these differences and to some extent arrive at a modicum of understanding if not agreement. At other times we have ended up in war.

Finding bridges among groups seems more difficult than ever these days. But why? The anger behind our conflict has its chief source in fear. What are we afraid of? Scott Bonn writes in Psychology Today about General Strain Theory. According to this theory, fear “leads to anger which in turn leads to violence. Such strain results from losing something of value or it can result from failing to attain something of value.” This could involve loss of a job, loss of financial security or a relationship turning sour.

For lack of any constructive alternatives to handle actual or feared losses, some people end up on the road to anger and possibly violence as a way to express their anger and rage. Some people grew up in families where they never saw good ways to handle fear and loss. They are more likely to follow the path I just mentioned.

So what do we do to get along better and avoid the strain? Here are some suggestions:

Action steps

Start by finding out what is important to others.
When they are ready, ask what bothers them.
Mention what is important to you.
Talk about what bothers you.
Find ways to work together toward mutual goals.

How to Register a Compliment

Life is not a solo act. It’s a huge collaboration, and we all need to assemble around us the people who care about us and support us in times of strife.

~Tim Gunn~

Lately I have been discouraged by the fractures I see in society and in our daily relationships. It feels like half of us are on each side of every issue. We tiptoe around people we don’t know well in order to avoid uncomfortable and heated conversations. At times through the course of our history we have been able to look to our government leaders as a source of leadership. Now we see the same divisions among our would-be leaders as we find in our communities.

have been waiting for our leaders to rediscover common sense and the ability to bring us back together. The longer I wait the more frustrated and disillusioned I become. I have been tempted to see the world in which I grew up as gone. Another way of life may be on the horizon although it might not appear in my lifetime. Maybe I have nothing left to contribute.

Then it occurred to me that elected representatives and officials did not appear out of thin air. Everyone elected is in office because some of us voted for them. They are in charge only because we let them be. If we don’t like the direction our community, nation or world is going, it is up to us to change it. If we want our leaders to cooperate with each others for our benefit, it is up to us to learn how to get along with each other and insist with our votes that those we elect do the same.

How do we make this change? We need to start with our own perceptions and feelings. We need to be clear on what we want. We also need to understand what others want. The hard part is to balance the two sets of needs. To do it, we must listen to each other. Criticizing everyone who differs from our ways just leads to more conflict. Learning to understand what others want and finding bridges between us and them is the next step.

I have wondered where to start this process. I discovered one way this morning. I sat in McDonalds, drinking my coffee, eating breakfast and writing in my journal. I noticed the music playing in the background. It consisted of some of my favorite folk ballads from the 1960’s. When I finished breakfast, I told the woman at the register that I would like to register a compliment. I told her how much I enjoyed listening to the music. I could tell that my comment brightened her day and mine as well.

I also visited Aldi’s this morning. I found the store completely rearranged while I was away for the past month. I told the checkout clerk that I liked the new store layout and that it must have been quite a project to make the changes. She also brightened up and we parted both wearing smiles.

These encounters might seem small to you. What if we all looked for ways to compliment each other? Perhaps this might be a start back toward more civilized and mutually supportive communities. Perhaps this would lead to more constructive conversations. Please join me and give it a try.

Managing Aggression and Anger

Anger is a normal emotion and can be helpful in some situations, such as those related to survival and self-protection. We have also seen that resorting to aggression is often a strong temptation when you feel angry. Aggression might be appropriate to ensure your safety but in most situations is not necessary and just inflames the situation.

Steven Laurent presents a series of tips on reducing anger and therefore limiting the possibility of reacting to anger with unneeded aggression. I will list a few of his suggestions and my comments about them:

Understand that anger is a problem. Maybe it would be more accurate to say that anger is sometimes a problem. We have seen that anger is a normal human emotion. As long as it is limited to a brief emotional response, does not take over your life and does not remain for a long time, it is nothing to worry about. If your anger quickly escalates into rage, it is a problem. If you continue to brood about what angers you, it can affect your body systems as we have seen and create lack of emotional equilibrium in your life.
Monitor your anger. It is useful to be mindful of many things in your life including your emotions. The more aware you are, the better chance you have of changing patterns which make life more difficult for you and for those around you. You might have a feeling that your anger is a problem, or you might hear it from others who are affected by your anger. Laurent suggests keeping a log of upsetting events, the anger they cause and how you react. It sounds a bit tedious but might be a good way to track how well you manage your anger. It is easier to see patterns when you write them down in an anger journal. Writing also gives you a chance to think about what you are doing rather than reacting automatically.
Feel the anger and don’t do it anyway. Laurent suggests here that you be aware of your anger but don’t rush into a response. He prefers thinking about how you feel and why that feeling arose. Waiting to react until after you have had a chance to consider the situation helps you see what alternatives you have available. Writing down what you think in your anger journal would also help keep you aware of the process of your thinking.
Look after yourself. Several things can make it more difficult for you to manage your anger constructively. One is your health. When you feel run down physically, you will have less ability to think clearly about how to react. The same is true if you are in a bad emotional state or under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.
Understand the ultimate source of your anger: “shoulding.” Here you tell yourself how things should be, especially other people and how they interact with you. Most people have fairly clear expectations of how they would like others to treat them, which is fine. When you set yourself up as the judge of how people should react, you are more prone to react with anger and see it as your job to correct or even punish them. Along with that goes the suggestion to be less judgmental of others.
Empathize. You most likely have a good idea of how you would like to react in any given situation, at least one you have faced before. Yet surprises wait along the way to throw you off balance. If someone asked you why you reacted a certain way, you could probably tell them why. Instead of judging people who act in a different way, consider that they might view things differently from you. You would find it easier to be less judgmental if you took the time to understand why others feel and act the way they do.
Get your facts straight. One of the main contributors to anger at others is faulty assumptions you make about them. You might assume that have hostile intentions toward you, are aware of what your needs and desires are or know what is likely to arouse your anger. In reality, none of these assumptions may be true.

The better you are able to use suggestions such as these, the less likely you are to let your anger get the best of you. In addition, your chances of moving toward aggressive behavior are also lessened.

Excerpt from my recent book, How to Transform Your Anger and Find Peace.

Book Release: Transform Your Anger and Find Peace

How did we get so angry?

Anger surrounds us these days. It shows up on the nightly news, on talk shows and the newspapers as well as on the Internet, not to mention in interactions on the street. Unplanned events in our daily lives invite us to summon and express our anger. It is as if we have become an angry culture. How can we make sense of anger, cope with it and find alternative ways of dealing with our own and others’ misfortunes besides giving vent to our anger in destructive ways? That question is the challenge I pose for you and invite you to explore with me in this book.
As a psychologist, I worked with angry people for thirtyfive years on anger management. They have been in my life longer than that. Our country seems angrier now than I can remember it being in the past. Not everyone barks at other people, attacks them or shoots them. Yet the national mood seems to be one of anger coming from a national divide on both sides of every issue.

What to do about anger

I have thought about how this happened and have consulted a variety of publications and also drew on my own professional and personal experience. I came up with a few findings and thought you might find them useful as well. Here are the questions I posed:

What is anger and what causes it?
How does it affect your life?
What kinds of anger problems are there?
Who is the target of your anger?
How do you manage anger directed toward you?
How can you transform your anger?

Have you wondered about any of these? Are you still looking for answers? Join me in an adventure to move away from anger and toward peace.
This book is available through Amazon. Take a look at the free sample (Look Inside) on the Amazon page for Transform Your Anger and Find Peace.

Signs of Relationship Harmony

Signs of Relationship Harmony

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.
~Thomas Merton~

Lately it seems that everyone is at each other’s throats. Maybe it’s time to start reconnecting with each other. How can you tell if you are in harmony with another person? Here are some signs:

You can talk openly about a wide range of topics without needing to filter what you say or worry that you will be misunderstood or criticized.
You are both on the same emotional plane.
You understand the feelings expressed by another and he or she understands your feelings.
You are both aware when your feelings start to head in different directions and know enough to discuss it so you can avoid conflict.

People in harmony generally agree on issues. That is one of the reasons they are conversing in the first place. Of course, no two people agree on everything. How could they? No two people have the same set of experiences on which to base their opinions. But people in harmony respect each other enough to listen, try to understand and then accept their differences as one of the challenges in maintaining a relationship.

People in harmony usually share the same or similar outlooks on the meaning of life. If they are headed in completely opposite directions they are not apt to be of much help to each other and don’t consider themselves compatible. More moderate differences can be helpful to both people if heard out and discussed.

Harmonious people are helpful to each other, finding minor course corrections which can bring together their life paths and make their interactions more productive. People in harmony usually support each other’s life goals and offer mutual help when they can. People with completely different goals usually have little to offer each other and may well find each other’s personalities grating on them.

People in harmonious relationships find it easy to relax around each other. They don’t need to feel defensive or ready to protect themselves from physical or verbal attack. On the contrary, they anticipate kindness and understanding. They also feel validated.

They know that how they live their lives makes sense to each other and that neither has to keep explaining why they think or do certain things. They are comfortable sharing their opinions and feelings knowing that however they feel or think, the other person will agree with them or at least accept their positions, perhaps asking for some clarification.

Being in harmony with another person leaves you with good feelings as I just mentioned. But is there more to the story than how you feel? Fortunately, the answer is yes.

Cooperation literally means working together. Harmonious relationships go beyond shared thoughts, feelings hopes and dreams. Based on all you experience with each other you are in an ideal place to share and support each other’s unique creativity in approaching life.

You understand each other, know how you think, plan, and do things. You don’t waste time explaining everything you do and why you do it. You don’t worry about being told your plans are stupid. You already know the other person respects and backs you even when your plans differ. As your relationship deepens, you find more common goals. You may have discussed how to reach them and are now in a position to pursue them together.

Your expectations of each other, of people in general, and of yourselves match. For the most part, there are no great surprises or disappointments as you work together. You know each other’s strengths and weaknesses. You learn to compensate for weaknesses, learn new skills, or bring in others to supplement your work together. There is no guessing or assumptions. You know you can talk directly with each other. You can do so in a spirit of cooperation, respect and kindness.

When you reach a crossroads or fork in your journey, you can negotiate constructively to arrive at the best solution. You do this cooperatively with no power struggle or conflict and agree on the best solution no matter which one of you discovers it.

At the end of a shared project you can evaluate the results impartially. If you need to go back and make changes you do so harmoniously with no thought of blaming anyone because you could have done a better job. You work together on revisions until you are both satisfied.

Harmony also creates a safety zone for both of you. You know you can count on each other in a crisis or even to help with minor needs. You also know that you will not be judged by each other and that what you say will be received with love and understanding.

Life Lab Lessons

How many of the people in your life are in harmony with you?
Are you satisfied with how things are now?
If so, thank the people with whom you are in harmony.
If not, what can you do to make these relationships more harmonious?
Your efforts will be contagious and make the world a little more peaceful.

(Excerpt from my forthcoming book, From Rage and Violence to Peace and Harmony)

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Thank You for Your Apology

Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.

~Tryon Edwards~

The day after the recent presidential election, I ventured out the door after a period of being stunned. I ran into a man I knew on a limited social basis. As usual, he asked how I was doing that day. I told him I was not doing very well. His very upbeat demeanor told me we had voted for different candidates.

We tried having a conversation about politics and in particular the election, both voicing our reasons for voting the way we did. I don’t think the conversation resolved anything or led either of us to alter his views. I left his company resolving to be cordial in the future but to avoid political conversation which only served to upset both of us.

This has worked for several weeks. This morning when we met, he surprised me by apologizing for being overly strong in his statements in our last conversation of any length or consequence. I tried to recall whether I had said anything which might have offended him and apologized myself just in case. He assured me that I had not said anything to offend him and again apologized for his tone in the last conversation.

We were able to agree that the campaign and election were upsetting for everyone including both of us. We also agreed on being upset and worried about the great divide between the two halves of our fellow countrymen. We shared our fears about what this conflict would mean for the future of our country.

As I left our conversation, I felt the best I have since the election. Neither of us changed our minds, and did not try to change each other’s. We were able to share our mutual fears and hopes for the future. I realized that I do not need to see everyone with whom I disagree as an enemy.

Most of us want the best for our country and for each other. We just have different ideas about how to get there. At one time our leaders with different positions were able to sit down to find compromises with which we could all live. This does not seem to be the case right now. However, if we who elected them can talk with each other in the interest of our mutual benefit, we might be able to set a good example for our elected leaders. None of us can single-handedly change the tensions, disagreements, and hostility evident among our country’s citizens. Yet we can begin by building bridges between ourselves and those with whom we come into contact on a daily basis. That is at least a start.

Life Lab Lessons

If you are angry when you discuss politics, why do you think that is?
Look further to see what other feelings you might have?
Is fear one of them?
What do you fear?
Is it easier to discuss your fears with others than your anger?

Personal Origins of Violence

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
will make violent revolution inevitable.

~John F. Kennedy~

Have you ever seen a violent newborn baby? I haven’t. No one seems to be born violent. So how does someone become violent? Psychologists and sociologists have conducted quite a few studies over the years to try predicting violence.

To the best of my knowledge no way of predicting it has ever been perfected to the point of knowing whether any given individual is about to become violent. Once a person displays such behavior, it is clear then that he or she is capable of aggression and likely to take this course in the future.

The question remains: where does such behavior come from come from? Let’s look at some contributors. One is the path your life takes. The way you live and how you think about life can incline you toward acting violently, peacefully or somewhere in between. These patterns are often shaped by how your parents lived and what you made of their lives. Dramatic events in your life can also steer you toward a peaceful life pattern or a not so peaceful one. Someone you know and respect could have helped divert a major disaster. Or someone you know and respect could become so frustrated with his or her life that explosive results follow.

Violence as we view it here is brought about by an individual or group of individuals. A person may be influenced by what happens in his or her culture or peer group. It may also be a group effort in which more than one person is responsible for what happens. You can be seen as violent by associating with individuals who show such a pattern whether or not you actually participate in the group’s actions. This is known as guilt by association.

What makes a person violent? Researchers have long debated about whether a tendency toward such behavior can be inherited. This debate continues and has yet to be settled despite years of research.

Aggression is generally viewed as quite similar if not identical. Men tend to engage in more physical forms of aggression while women tend more toward verbal aggression although neither form of aggression is unique to one or the other gender.

Life circumstances appear to play a significant role in all our behavior whether positive or negative. How you are treated in your family, how stable your family is, the safety of your neighborhood, whether you have adequate housing and food, how others react to your racial or ethnic background and how you learn to react to threats can all contribute to how you act. Feeling in physical danger, how you think about yourself, others, your life situation and your prospects for life and what resources you see yourself as possessing also make a contribution.

You may never have acted in such a manner. However you might have considered it at least in passing. Take some time to think about how you got to feel that way and what you did to head it off. Maybe this will help you begin to understand violence in the world.

Life Lab Lessons

What has happened in your life to lean you toward violence?
What have you experienced which let you toward a peaceful life?
What has helped you to control aggressive tendencies?
What have you done to provoke others anger?
What have you done to keep the peace between you and others?

You Know What I Mean? Finding Commonality Across the Gap

Expert Author Scott Marcus

In L.A.’s school district, when I was a kid, Health was a required class taken in junior high – eighth grade to be specific.

We were taught the basics of course, on how our bodies were changing and even the appropriate methods to shower and dress. And yes, there was that awkward period where our knowledge of the “bird and bees” was clarified – in great detail I might add. As almost-adults, we already pretty much knew the nuts and bolts but my memories are that it was an extremely uncomfortable week, especially since boys and girls were not separated. We were beyond the phase of snickering (at least in class) but everyone sat board straight upright, careful not to make eye contact with anyone else in the room.

I don’t know if it was a required part of the course but one thing I most remember was Mr. Hubbard took us beyond the basics and engaged us in discussions about politics, the economy, and relationships. One could rightly argue that he was as concerned with our societal health as he was with our physical health. Good for him.

Excerpt from Scott Marcus’s column in Ezine- read more