Category Archives: narcissism

Review of Janet Bloom’s Book Co-parenting Hell: Raising Healthy Kids With a Narcissistic Ex

This is a book written by a mother of children, now divorced from her husband. The book

begins with the American Psychiatric Association’s definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual-Version 5 (DSM-V). The author describes the book a based on her experiences but refers to the American Psychiatric Association and professional writings she cites. The book presents as a combination of memoir and handbook for other parents in her situation. She talks about having achieved peace and emotional freedom. Yet a few paragraphs later she refers to “my ex (the bastard)” Hmmm.

The author describes narcissists and their characteristics. She relates most of them to her experience and observations of her ex-husband’s behavior. It was unclear to me the extent to which the narcissistic characteristics to which she refers relate to professional writings or strictly her own experience of her ex-husband.

The author describes narcissistic traits related to the DSM-V criteria related to professional writings and her own experience. She talks about her experiences and observations in a colloquial manner which I found easy to follow and understand.

She discusses early family influences setting the stage for the development of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She makes it clear that this condition is not a choice people make for themselves. It is a condition which tends to run in families and which may be at least partially genetic.

The book goes on to describe the difficulties of becoming detached from a narcissistic spouse who is not negotiating honestly. The author describes how such people try to manipulate the authorities, the courts and even their ex-spouse’s family to their advantage. Trying to negotiate with such a person is often a losing proposition.

Balancing and coordinating the time each spouse has with the children can also be fraught with difficulty and may need the help of lawyers and the courts to keep the arrangements under control. The author presents a long list of possible co-parenting issues in detail and suggests specific approaches to managing each of them.

Also discussed are issues which indicate the advisability of therapy for children caught in the divorce and post-divorce struggles. Therapy is seen as “critical to co-parenting success” among other supports but does not elaborate on how therapy might be helpful to parents.

The author addresses a large variety of issues likely to arise while managing co-parenting with a narcissist. She also provides specific recommendations for managing each of these issues. She addresses complex difficulties involving relatives and how they can be manipulated by narcissistic ex-spouses.

She ends by emphasizing the need for self care. She also stresses taking the time and making the effort to recover from the trauma of being married to a narcissistic spouse or of being the ex-spouse of one, especially when children are involved. Although these issues could all suggest the help of a therapist, the author does not specifically address how a therapist could help with this process. Yet she does discuss an extensive list of actions an individual might pursue in the interest of recovery from this very difficult series of situations.

The author suggests that the best way of managing these difficulties is not to become embroiled in a relationship with a narcissist. I would wholeheartedly agree with this conclusion. Yet narcissists can be very seductive and present a false front for a while. If you find yourself in this situation, this book could provide you with a useful roadmap through the narcissistic jungle.

Reviewed by Joseph Langen, Ph.D., a retired psychologist and writer about the human condition and the world in which we find ourselves.

Dealing with Narcissistic Rage

Dealing with Narcissistic Rage

Hate is the complement of fear and narcissists like being feared.
It imbues them with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence.

~Sam Vaknin, Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited~

Psychiatrist Mark Goulston tells us that engaging people in the midst of narcissistic rage is not likely to be productive. If it is safe, you might just listen until they are finished ranting. You can later request that they talk with you in a calm and respectful manner. If that does not happen the next time, it might be best to just walk away if you can or avoid such people altogether.

Susan Whitbourne, Ph.D. suggests specific ways to handle narcissists:

Determine which type you’re dealing with. A grandiose narcissist might be a good ally if your goals exactly match theirs. Vulnerable narcissists are harder to deal with because they are constantly on the lookout for people who might further diminish their already poor concept of themselves.
Acknowledge your annoyance. Learn to recognize where your annoyance lies, usually related to the person who constantly interrupts you when you are trying to accomplish something.
Appreciate where the behavior comes from. Understand that vulnerable narcissists need to make themselves feel better. A modicum of reassurance for them is necessary to focus them on a group task. Just don’t get carried away with praising them or they will take over a project.
Evaluate the context. Some situations will worsen tendencies toward being defensive, vindictive and spiteful. One example is a narcissist who is passed over for a promotion but still needs to work with the team who they are not leading.
Maintain a positive outlook. Some narcissists enjoy seeing others suffer. Letting them see your annoyance is likely to just increase their efforts to make your life more miserable.
Don’t let yourself get derailed. Stay focused on your own goals despite a narcissist’s efforts to take center stage and monopolize the direction of your group.
Keep your sense of humor. Try using humor to react to a narcissist’s attempt to monopolize group goals rather than direct confrontation.
Recognize that the person may need help. Narcissists whose low self esteem leads them to their disruptive behavior may be in need of help to find better ways to improve how they see themselves.

These suggestions appear to be good ones when you are the one in charge. If the narcissist is the one in charge, your chances of using any of them successfully will be quite diminished. Using any of these approaches when you are in a vulnerable or one-down position is likely to be seen as undermining the power of the narcissist in charge. In such a situation, your options for improving the situation do not look good. Your best bet may be to find a way to remove yourself from the situation or group.

Maybe you are not ready to flee or are in a position of not being able to afford doing so. Now what? Susan Price has some ideas. Here is one possible scenario: “Your boss is a complete narcissist: he expects you to be at his whim all day, he blames everyone for mistakes except himself, argues and contradicts employees with every small detail even things he said himself!” If this sounds familiar, read on. Here are her suggestions for handling the situation:

Forget being friends. You will have to sell your soul to be considered a friend by such a person. Remember that narcissists are not capable of making friends in the sense of having mutual respect and caring for each other. Your interests are never a priority.
Don’t criticize. Your criticism will never be taken at face value. Anger or rage is to be expected when you criticize a narcissist.
Focus on analyzing problems. Sharing your feelings is not likely to get you anywhere. Narcissists are interested only in their own feelings. Instead, concentrate on problems and potential solutions. Then, don’t count on receiving credit for a good idea.
Let him or her make decisions. Presenting options works better than suggesting the best option. Then allow him or her to take credit for the plan.
Make him or her look and feel good. His or her importance and having it recognized are uppermost in such a person’s mind. Don’t be stingy with praise.
Absorb the blame. Narcissists never see themselves at fault. Someone else is always the blame for whatever goes wrong.
Set boundaries and keep them. Try to focus on solutions and temper criticism with praise.
Don’t compete. Don’t expect praise for yourself or thanks for doing a good job. A narcissist will always take credit for teaching you to do a good job.

To survive, you need to set aside your own needs and become a cog in the machine operated by a narcissistic boss. Staying afloat is a tricky business and has few rewards. You might be better off finding a more rational and rewarding position. If you decide to stay, don’t expect much for yourself.

You might be wondering whether dealing with a narcissist with power is a lost cause. It is difficult but not impossible. In a social group, you can work with others to reconstitute the group without the offending narcissist. In a corporation, the board of directors, informed by shareholders and workers, has power over any given boss. In government, citizens have power to elect representatives who have the power to contain if not remove narcissists not in touch with public needs. In all these cases, your job is to start working with others and find a mutual path toward resolving the impasse.

Life Lab Lessons

Dealing with a narcissist is an uphill battle at best.
Don’t expect to do the impossible.
Don’t expect too much of yourself.
Get support from others in your venture.
Try to avoid situations where narcissists have power over you.

(Excerpt from my forthcoming book, Anger in America)

Understanding Narcissistic Rage

No reason, no principle, just the pure exercise of power.

~John Paul Sartre~

The magazine, Psychology Today, refers to it as “a chilling rage.” From the point of view of a narcissist, the world “looks like it should approve, adore, agree and obey you. Anything less than that feels like an assault and because of that a narcissist feels justified in raging back at it.”
Psychology Today also lists characteristics of narcissists. These include:

Control freaks– They try to exercise tight control over everything that happens around them and freak out when things do not go their way.
Irritability– They are easily annoyed and anything unpleasant tends to grate on them.
Short fuses– You have heard the saying, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” They don’t see this as applying to them. Everything they don’t like is of major importance.
Low frustration tolerance- Life around them is calm only when everything is as they want it and everyone agrees with them.
Argumentative– They don’t believe in allowing others to have their own opinion or that it is possible to coexist peacefully with those who don’t agree with them. All differences must be attacked.
Need to have the last word– The never let anything go unchallenged and fight to the bitter end to have their ways accepted as the right ones.
Unable to lose– Their goal is to win at all costs regardless of the magnitude of the situation.
Won’t take no for an answer– For them no is not a complete sentence. It is a challenge to keep arguing.

They have other unpleasant traits as well:

Quick to anger if you don’t accommodate them– They don’t discuss arrangements which displease them. Instead they are much more likely to attack you as being wrong or inconsiderate.
Quick to being aggressively defensive if you call them on any deficiency, fault or responsibility– Another way of saying this is that they have “thin skin.” Nothing is ever their fault and there is always something wrong with you for attacking them.
Can’t apologize or, if they do they can’t do it sincerely-Any apology of theirs tends to be hollow and not really meant. You will be left knowing they think any fault lies with you.
Rarely say thank you or congratulations– You are not important and anything you accomplish reduces their feeling of self importance.
Don’t feel or demonstrate remorse– They don’t generally feel they have ever done anything wrong. Therefore they feel no need to feel sorry for anything..
Feel entitled to enthusiastic and appreciative approval, adoration, agreement and obedience– They view themselves at the top of the heap in all matters and expect others to bow down to them constantly.
Gloat in victory, sullen in defeat– Don’t expect any gracious gestures whether they get their way or not. It’s all about them.
Quick to rage if you humiliate them– Humiliation can be as simple as viewing them on the same plane with ordinary mortals and is viewed as a direct attack.

Maybe you are wondering how some people get to be raging narcissists. One theory is that by nature they have trouble feeling good about themselves and need constant reassurance of their value. This may well result from a childhood in which such people are constantly told of their lack of worth as persons. As adults they try to compensate for their inferiority feelings by seeking constant adulation from others. When they don’t find what they are looking for they begin to show the characteristics we have just discussed.

Another theory is that they need to feel better than everyone else in order to remain stable. When they do not get the praise they crave, they turn to rage in an attempt to bully others into revering them.
However they get that way, narcissists are very difficult to deal with. But that’s another story which I will address in my next post.

(Excerpt from my forthcoming book, Anger in America)