Category Archives: being human

Reasons for Violence

 

Have you ever seen a violent newborn baby? I haven’t. No one is born violent in the sense of trying to harm others. So how does someone become violent? Psychologists and sociologists have conducted many studies over the years to try predicting violence without much success.

No way of understanding violence has been able to predict whether any given individual is about to become violent. Once a person displays violent behavior, it is clear that he or she is capable of violence and likely to be violent in the future.

But the question remains: Where does violence come from? Let’s look at some contributors to violence. One is the path your life takes. Your pattern of life experience can incline you toward acting violently, peacefully or somewhere in between. Dramatic events in your life can also steer you toward a peaceful life pattern or a violent one.

I refer here to violence done by an individual or group of individuals. A person may be influenced by what happens in his or her culture or peer group. Violence may be a group effort in which more than one person is responsible for the violence. Your being part of a group acting in a violent way can give you a reputation for violence whether or not you actually participate in the group’s actions. This is known as guilt by association.

Researchers have debated for years about whether violence or a tendency toward violence can be inherited. This debate continues and has yet to be settled despite years of research. Hormones appear to play a role. Testosterone is seen as a contributor to aggression, which may well account for the much greater number of male than female aggressors. Aggression is generally viewed as quite similar if not identical to violence.

Aggression might look similar but is not always intended to harm anyone. Remember that intent of harm is one of the parts of the definition of violence we discussed in the last chapter. Men tend to engage in more physical forms of aggression while women tend more toward verbal aggression although neither form is unique to one or the other gender.

Life circumstances and experiences while growing up appear to play a significant role in the violent tendencies and violent behavior of individuals. Here are a few developmental circumstances which can make a difference:

  • Your treatment in your family
  • Your family’s stability
  • The safety of your neighborhood
  • The adequacy of housing and food as you grew up
  • How others react to your racial or ethnic background
  • How you learn to react to threats

Other contributors beyond you developmental years and into adulthood include the following:

  • Your feelings in response to physical danger
  • How you think about yourself
  • How you view other people
  • How you see your life situation
  • Your prospects for a satisfying life
  • The adequacy of resources for managing your life

Action Steps

  • Do you ever feel on the verge of violence?
  • Do any of the above sound familiar?
  • Can you understand how they led to violence?
  • Can you do something to change it?
  • Who could help you?

Excerpt from my new book, From Violence to Peace.

Watch Your Ripples

I was busy revising my first book today, when I came across this article. I wrote it in 2004, but it seems especially relevant today. So here it is again

With all the trouble and bad news in the world, people may wonder what the point is of being nice to each other. It often seems that over time, society is becoming more callous and people are spending more of their energy meeting their own needs rather than looking out for each other.

While you may be able to get more money or things by always putting yourself first, there is a price to pay. The price is that money and things become your only companions. You let others know you care only for yourself or are at best irrelevant to them. By thinking only of your own needs, you teach others to avoid you as a threat to their well being, since you are only interested in yourself and not them.

I have heard many sermons over the years. One of the few which has stayed with me has helped set the course of my life. One Sunday morning many years ago, Father Brendan Breen talked about our actions as being similar to a stone thrown in a pond. The stone creates ripples that travel far out from where it lands and changes the surface of the water for quite a distance. I have heard of waves which travel all the way across the Pacific Ocean.

In a similar way, how you treat your neighbors carries on down the line. Sometimes you discourage idealists who want to change the world. Even though you can’t recast the world to suit you, you can have a rippling effect on many people. Who knows how far the influence of your actions will carry?
Thought of in this way, everything that happens between you and others has some effect on the welfare of the human race. If you do something negative, the world is a little worse off. If you do something positive, the world is a little better place to live.

It is easy to see your life as insignificant among the billions of people inhabiting the planet. Your life is quite brief in the context of the thousands of years of civilization. You most likely are aware of the momentous contributions some people have made during the course of history. Your small contributions may not make the history books, but may brighten the lives of those you meet and maybe countless others you have not met.

How often do you think about the effect careless criticisms may have on others? Likewise, you may not be aware of the positive effect you have through your kindness toward others, and how far the effect may travel.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, can be to leave the world and its inhabitants a little better off than you found them. Rather than selfishly seeking to meet only your own needs, or being critical of others, you can care for others in little ways. The ripples of your actions can travel far and wide, eventually returning to enhance your own life.

Action Steps

  • Do you feel a need to put yourself first?
  • Do you feel you will lose out if you don’t?
  • How often do you consider others’ needs?
  • Try putting others’ needs first just for today.
  • See if they treat you differently as a result.

(Excerpt from my forthcoming book, Commonsense Wisdom for Everyday Life, 2nd. edition)

Time to Notice the Little Things

I still get wildly enthusiastic about little things…
I play with leaves. I skip down the street and run against the wind.
~Leo Buscaglia~

My friend Judie has been watching a pair of nesting phoebes for several years. They build their nest in the most improbable space and tend their chicks with well coordinated teamwork. While driving along the expressway, Carol spotted a tiny fawn grazing along the median, seemingly oblivious of where its mother was. Carol added it to her gratitude list for the day. Driving on a back road, I noticed a row of cornflowers and Queen Anne’s lace framing a cornfield in a subtle blue and white border.

None of these are earthshaking spectacles. Without an eye for the little things, they would all be easy to miss. It seems much easier for us to notice all the terrible things which bombard us each day and the worries which follow us around. If we allow it to happen, all the awful things in life can overwhelm us. Sometimes things which brighten our day take a special effort to notice.

Henry Thoreau wrote his memoir, WaldenU, in the nineteenth century. He described his practice of writing down the things for which he was grateful each day before getting out of bed. Oprah also suggested Thoreau’s practice, described as a gratitude list, a way of keeping in touch with the good things in our daily lives. In order to list things for which we are grateful, we must pay attention to them and savor them as they happen. Some days it seems easy to generate a long list, and some days our troubles seem to block out the good things, making them harder to remember.

The little things are usually subtle and, without practice, easy to overlook. Nevertheless, they are all around and waiting for us to notice them. The above examples are all from nature, but there are many other delights as well. A kind word, a loving gesture, or a small favor can all brighten our day if we let them.

The things we notice and choose to think about influence what kind of person we are and how we present ourselves to the rest of the world. If we constantly tune into tragedy, crime and conflict, we will undoubtedly become morose and negative about the world and eventually about ourselves. If we make an effort to notice the day’s little gifts, we will have a brighter outlook on life despite our troubles.

Having a positive outlook can be contagious. A young woman I know, Megan, is so consistently cheerful, even when things are not going right for her, it is impossible to spend any time with her and not come away feeling more cheerful yourself.

We all have the choice of what to notice and think about. We can choose to descend into the doldrums or look for the joy in life. It might take some practice but we do have a choice and can brighten our lives and the lives of those around us as well.

Life Lab Lessons

  • Slow down the pace of your life for a little while.
  • Look around you.
  • Find something marvelous you did not see before.
  • Keep this new discovery in your mind.
  • Return to it when you become frustrated.

From Commonsense Wisdom for Everyday Life

What does it mean to be human in the age of technology?

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When I think about the future of human-machine interactions, two entwined anxieties come to mind.

First, there is the tension between individual and collective existence. Technology connects us to each other as never before, and in doing so makes explicit the degree to which we are defined and anticipated by others: the ways in which our ideas and identities do not simply belong to us, but are part of a larger human ebb and flow.

This has always been true – but rarely has it been more evident or more constantly experienced. For the first time in human history, the majority of the world’s population is not only literate – itself an achievement less than a century old – but also able to actively participate in written and recorded culture, courtesy of the connected devices pervading almost every country on earth.

Excerpt from Tom Chatfield’s article in The Guardian– read more.

We’re all human

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The Middle East has had problems for what seems like an eternity now. Ever since I was born they’ve had problems that they, nor the world as a whole, can fix. The people there have to go everyday with the worry of “will I be killed today?”

European countries made room for immigrants when immigration from the Middle East first started to happen a few months ago, but then decided that they couldn’t take in any more people. There were, and still are thousands of people fleeing their home countries trying to get to safety, but they are being turned away from the golden land of opportunities that they gave up everything for.

How could these countries do this? From my perspective, I can see how overcrowding becomes a problem and there aren’t enough resources to go around. I understand that even these well established first world countries can’t care for a sudden rush of millions of additional people.

Excerpt from Emily Lorenz’s article in The Courier

Being Human in a Digital World

crowd of people

Moving toward a more people-centric era of computing Second-generation Australian anthropologist Genevieve Bell is a vice president and research fellow at Intel Corporation. Previously a professor at Stanford University, Bell wound up at Intel because, as she explained in a well-attended session during the opening morning of NRFtech 2015, “I met a man in a bar.” He introduced her to some people at Intel, who offered her a job helping the company explore the human side of the technologies it was pioneering. It seemed like a good idea, Bell said, until she was told by her new boss that Intel needed her help with two things. One was women. “‘We want to know what they want,’” she was told. The other thing was described as ROW — the rest of the world, i.e. everything that isn’t the United States. – See more at: https://nrf.com/news/being-human-digital-world#sthash.TSCLSG0l.dpuf

 

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE HUMAN?

What does it mean to be human?

How we see ourselves is the foundation for our values, our choices, our relationships with each other, and our relationship with the rest of nature. Here, we offer a space for those who wish to take on a serious challenge: to critically examine the assumptions of ourselves and others regarding what it means to be human. Our contributors share their insights. We invite you to share your own.

Excerpt from humans and nature.org- Read more

Living Life in a Delicate Balance

 

sunset

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

~Alfred Lord Tenneyson~

Carol and I recently made dinner plans with our dear friends Harvey and Sharon. When it came time for the dinner we found ourselves at a funeral home for our friends’ calling hours. They had been killed in a plane crash a week before. We hadn’t seen them for a while but always treasured our time with them and looked forward to their company.

The whole week between their deaths and the calling hours, I woke up at night with visions of the fiery plan crash, trying to imagine what it must have been like for them. Did they have time to reflect on their lives? Did they say they loved each other one last time? Did they hold hands for their last few seconds?

Most of the people I lost over the past few years knew they were approaching death and so did I. Fortunately I had time to reminisce with them and ultimately say goodbye. While our parting was sorrowful, I had time to be with them one last time and share a few moments of joy.

With Harvey and Sharon it was different. One moment they were part of our lives and the next moment they were gone. I have learned that people I cherish don’t need to be part of my daily life to be important to me. Just knowing they are on earth brightens my outlook and gives me a sense of belonging and being loved. They have become part of me and  the fabric of my life.

Losing people like them leaves me feeling that part of me has been ripped away. I am still the same person but something is missing. I mourn the part of me they took with them when they left the earth. As the reality of their loss starts to set in, I feel less sorry for myself in their loss. I remember all the great times we had, the joy they brought to my life and the ability to be fully myself in their company.

Yet tears still come to my eyes as I write this, knowing that I will never again delight with them over Harvey’s koi pond or Sharon’s feast table. I find it hard to savor their memory without feeling the sting of their loss. I have also discovered that the older I get, the more I rely on memories of those I have loved and who have loved me than on the experience of their company. It remains sad, but my memories of dear friends and relatives help me manage hard times and comfort me when I face difficult challenges.

Life Lab Lessons 

  • Set aside some time to bask in good memories of those you have lost.
  • Treasure what you have learned from them.
  • Recall what their best qualities were.
  • Try to show those qualities in your life.
  • Care for others as those who loved you cared for you.

 

 

Why We Need Isolation To Make Us Human Again

hands, sand, beach

Its 9 a.m. on a Monday, and I wake up with sun shining through an open window as a palm tree sways just outside. The smell of salt water, combined with the sounds of people milling about on the sidewalk below reminds me that I am not in Silicon Valley. Instead, I walk up to the window to see Waikiki Beach just a block away. In short order, I’m off to the beach.

Excerpt from Gil Laroya’s article in the Huffington Post- Read more.