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What Respect Has To Do With Violence

When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.

~Lao-Tzu~

I once wrote about an incident of inner city violence. A young man felt that someone was looking at his girlfriend in a way which did not appear respectful to him. Was that just his feeling or is there a connection between respect and violence?

John Lampman wrote in the Christian Science Monitor in February, 2006 about violence as being rooted in disrespect, leading to feelings of shame and humiliation, resulting in people feeling inferior, or at least as if they are viewed that way by others. If a person does not feel good about himself or herself to start with, he or she often feels there is nothing to lose and sometimes lashes out in violence.

Violence is a tactic some people use to seek recognition by others and in some way remind us that they have some power. It usually doesn’t work, and we end up disparaging the person further, leading to more shame and humiliation and eventually more violence. The cycle of disrespect and violence tends to self-perpetuate.

Why are some people more likely to react to perceived disrespect than others? Think what it would be like to be born into a poor family and see others around you with plenty while your family lacks the basic necessities. Imagine having parents who don’t think much of themselves and pass on to you their lack of self confidence. What if your parents resented you for even being alive or look down on a disability or shortcoming you have through no fault of your own?

Imagine your teachers making fun of your limitations or resenting your efforts to think for yourself. What if other students take up your teacher’s disrespect and make your life a constant torture? What if you have a hard time finding a good job and being able to take care of your own needs not to mention those of your family?

All of these experiences can lead you to feel shame about who you are, embarrassed about being seen in public and helpless to do anything about your situation. As a result you become angry and frustrated. Since you already see others as not having much use for you, you might just as well show your anger and lash out at others. What have you got to lose?

One answer is for those more fortunate to find ways to respect those less fortunate. We can listen to what it is like for others rather than dismissing them as worthless. We can offer our help to get them started in a new direction if they ask for it. We can address our differences, starting with understand them before telling them what we think. We can make a difference but we must start with knowing what others are about and seeing how we can work together.

Action Steps:

  • Start by understanding your own strengths and weaknesses.
  • Think about what traits of yours make you feel less worthy.
  • Start working on what you can change about yourself.
  • If you are stuck, think about who you could ask for help.
  • After you work on yourself, try harder to understand others, especially those who differ from you.

Selection from my book, Navigating Life Commonsense Reflections for the Voyage. available from Amazon.