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Names Will Never Hurt Me

It is best to live from your heart
and speak from your heart in all things
yet, if you cannot always speak from your heart,
live from your heart and let the speaking come in time
.

~Laura Teresa Marquez~

Remember the childhood saying, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me?” A brave defense, but usually not very successful. Most people do more damage with their words than with their fists or weapons. Words don’t leave visible marks but what we say to others can leave them feeling ashamed, embarrassed or enraged.

I remember attending high school in a seminary out of town. One of my classmates decided to start calling me “Chester” since I was from Rochester. I was somewhat overweight and had larger breasts than most of my classmates. The same classmate took to calling me “Chesty” or “Breasty” when he was in a particularly nasty mood. I could have made up a nick name based on his last name, but it was too frankly sexual. I might have been able to beat him up, but outright violence was definitely frowned on in the seminary. As it was, I frequently felt humiliated and self conscious. Names and comments can certainly hurt us.

I dare say none of us would relish being called names or being the subject of gossip or rumor. Before you engage in destructive speech, think back to a time when you were the recipient of such a verbal attack. You are about to engender in your target the same feelings which once plagued you. Is it worth it? Speaking of worth, how do you know if something is worth saying? There is a three-fold test.

First, is what you are about to say true? Have you observed first-hand what you are about to say? We have no way of knowing whether gossip is true. I remember a classroom experiment in which the teacher whispered something to one student and told him to whisper what he heard to the next student and so on. By the time the last student whispered to the teacher, what she said bore no resemblance to the original statement. Even something that starts as true has a strong chance of being distorted as it passes through the rumor mill.

Second, is it kind? Will what you say make the subject of your statement feel any better? Will it improve the quality of his or her life? Repeating gossip is not a kind thing to do. Gossip poisons the network of people we hear it from and pass it on to. In the process, we poison our own thinking and tip the balance of our thoughts a little more toward the negative. We become a little more bitter-tongued each time.

Third, is it purposeful? What is the point of what we say? Do our words contribute anything positive? Gossip is usually a way to make us feel better. We find faults in others we don’t want to see in ourselves. Even if we know something bad to be true of someone, we would accomplish more by offering sympathy or assistance to the victim of gossip, if we think it would be well received.

Another option in the face of gossip would be to say we would rather not discuss things we know nothing about. We can also pass back something good we have heard about the person in question. We have a choice of what we listen to and a choice of what we say. Choosing wisely will make the world a better place a little at a time.

Action Steps

  • As a child did anyone give you a hated nickname?
  • How did it make you feel?
  • Have you ever seen you words hurt someone?
  • Was it worth it?
  • How can you use what you say more constructively?

Selection from my book, Navigating Life: Commonsense Reflections for the Voyage, available at Amazon

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